Important Notice: This article is a piece of satire. Everything that follows is a humorous take—dark and witty—on the absurd ways the Cuban regime explains its perpetual food crisis.
In a new display of revolutionary brilliance, the Cuban government seems to have identified the source of the food shortage: "non-local" foods. Yes, according to this line of thinking, the blame doesn't lie with poor management or lack of investment, but rather with Cubans' bad habit of eating things "that aren't from here."
The magical solution, it seems, would be to eliminate from the diet any food that hasn't originated from Cuban soil. Thus, even if the fields remain barren, we could achieve "food sovereignty." Sure, the menu might be empty, but at least we'd be dining with revolutionary pride.
Below, we present—with patriotic affection and local humor—the foods that, following this official logic, should be erased from the Cuban plate. Spoiler alert: not even garlic will be left. Bon appétit, compatriots!
Potato: The Andean Traitor
The despised potato tops the blacklist. This South American tuber "has never adapted to Cuba's climate and soils," some officials claim. Of course, the fault doesn't lie with the lack of resources or misgovernment: it's the potato that won't cooperate with the Revolution. So forget about mashed potatoes or fries. If you find malanga, consider yourself lucky.
Rice: The Asian Grain to Remove from Congrí
"We are not Asians. Eating rice is not a Cuban habit," a smiling official stated. According to him, culinary traditions need changing, even though we've been eating rice and beans for centuries. Ironically, before 1959 Cuba produced more rice than it does now. But no matter: the revolutionary future will be based on boiled sweet potatoes… if they appear.
Beef: The Uruguayan Luxury That's a Crime Here
It's been a while since the average Cuban has tasted steak, and it seems there's a "patriotic" reason for it: "Cubans have stopped eating beef because we're not Uruguayans." After all, cows are counted, and selling beef freely is almost a sin. So goodbye to ground beef and ropa vieja. Being a good Cuban now means saying "moo" from afar.
Fish: The Irony on a Sea-Surrounded Island
We might as well stop eating fish, because—according to old official excuses—"there are hardly any fish in Cuba's waters." Apparently, the Caribbean is a protein-free soup. With such logic, snapper stew and fish fillets are colonial memories. Even the African-origin claria could be accused of being foreign.
Eggs: The Anti-Patriotic Omelet
Another suspect is the humble chicken egg. If the chickens aren't Cuban, why continue eating their eggs? After all, they barely show up. Perhaps we should return to cassava bread and hutia, like the Taínos. Next time you look at scrambled eggs, remember: you might be betraying food sovereignty.
Bread (Wheat): Out with Colonial Bread, In with National Cassava
Wheat doesn't grow well in the Caribbean and arrived with the colonizers. Therefore, bread and cookies would be "imported vices." Following the revolutionary manual, the right thing would be to return to cassava bread, which also doesn't require electricity. Imagine an ideal breakfast: coffee without milk, cassava without butter, and a candle lit. Food and spiritual sovereignty at the same time!
Chicken: The Yankee Infiltrator on the Cuban Plate
The uncomfortable truth is that most of the chicken eaten in Cuba comes from the United States. Yes, from the empire. But as the current doctrine commands eliminating the foreign, maybe we should also forgo the frozen drumstick. Sure, that would remove 40% of the protein we consume… but who needs protein when ideology is on the menu?
In summary, the official strategy seems to blame the foods rather than those who've been ruining agriculture for decades. As one social media user put it: "According to the Government, the problem isn't the economic disaster, it's that Cubans eat poorly." Perhaps, the day we stop eating "non-native" things—or stop eating altogether—Cuba will achieve true food independence.
Final Note: This article is satire. Laughing is still free (for now).
Questions on Cuba's Food Policies and Satire
Why is the article considered satire?
The article humorously exaggerates the Cuban government's logic behind food shortages by blaming them on "non-local" foods, to critique the regime's policies and inefficiencies.
What does "food sovereignty" imply in the context of this article?
In this satirical piece, "food sovereignty" is mockingly used to suggest that Cuba could achieve independence from foreign food products, despite the impracticality of such a notion given the country's agricultural challenges.